and all the lights that leads us there blinding
There are many things that I
would like to say to you.
But I don't know how."
-Wonderwall by Oasis
A couple of days ago I thought I had a crush on somebody again, but no, turns out is was just the sun and summer weather that had gotten under my skin. That means that I have not had a crush on anyone since christmas. Have I finally given up on love, have my poor heart finally understood that love is not for me, I wonder. And it is weird, I am cynical about love, I know love is not for ugly people like me, but still I keep on hoping, wishing. and at the same time I curse myself for doing that.
Last love-movie I saw was in November break, and it made me depressed. Don't know why. I suspect it may be because I am still hoping, when there is no reason for hope. How long will this continue before anything happens to my non-existent lovelife.
'Primum ego, tum ego, deinde ego' is my new motto for who I should care about. But I know it is a big lie, like most things about me are. I am a very fake person, very expression you see, every little thing I do is a mask, made to keep pain away. A friend of mine once asked when do I feel that I have least maskes on. The answer was when I do archery alone. Being alone, with something I am slightly good at and enjoy, having things to focus on and at the same time to think about issues that needs thinking about. I might be good at multitasking, but not enough to keep a lot of masks on at the same time, I do not need them then either way. His response was that I should do more archery then. I feel that this is sort of the same. This might not be the real Tiger typing, but it is not far from it. and it feels good being honest, but also creepy. I am not sure I want to know who I really am. I am afraid of not being good enough and therfore I put on this mask of not caring what people think. That also suits me since I am slightly lazy and prefer not to work to much with school stuff, unfortainly I am not bright enough to not work with school stuff, at least not when I am doing the IB.
But retuning to what I began this post with, as it is now I have chosen not to believe in love, it saves a lot of heartaches...
Last love-movie I saw was in November break, and it made me depressed. Don't know why. I suspect it may be because I am still hoping, when there is no reason for hope. How long will this continue before anything happens to my non-existent lovelife.
'Primum ego, tum ego, deinde ego' is my new motto for who I should care about. But I know it is a big lie, like most things about me are. I am a very fake person, very expression you see, every little thing I do is a mask, made to keep pain away. A friend of mine once asked when do I feel that I have least maskes on. The answer was when I do archery alone. Being alone, with something I am slightly good at and enjoy, having things to focus on and at the same time to think about issues that needs thinking about. I might be good at multitasking, but not enough to keep a lot of masks on at the same time, I do not need them then either way. His response was that I should do more archery then. I feel that this is sort of the same. This might not be the real Tiger typing, but it is not far from it. and it feels good being honest, but also creepy. I am not sure I want to know who I really am. I am afraid of not being good enough and therfore I put on this mask of not caring what people think. That also suits me since I am slightly lazy and prefer not to work to much with school stuff, unfortainly I am not bright enough to not work with school stuff, at least not when I am doing the IB.
But retuning to what I began this post with, as it is now I have chosen not to believe in love, it saves a lot of heartaches...
No comments:
Post a Comment