I wish I had an Angel, by Nightwish

I wish I had an Angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight

This is one of the songs I first started to like when I brought the Once album by Nightwish and I was delighted when it was one of the first songs they played on the Schools Out festival in Oslo in June 05.

Deep into a dying day
I took a steep outside an
Innocent heart
Prepare to hate me
Fall when I may
This night will hurt you
Like never before

Around ten months before that, in September 04, this had been one of the songs I listened the most to. At that time I was in love with a guy who in my eyes looked like an angel. I connected to the song even greater than before. Needless to say, I felt that there were much truth in this song, I still do.

Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder

My love life is a short and depressing (at least for me) story. Up to Christmas 04 I used to fall in love with a new guy every few months. Except for once when I was six years old, the feelings have never been returned. I was stupid enough to fall in love with the guys who could get anybody they wanted and for sure I wasn’t on top of that list. Around the age of sixteen I realised it wasn’t worth hoping anymore, I wasn’t the sort of person people fell in love with. All the hoping and wishing that maybe this time, maybe this guy, and then the bitter discovery that no, not this time either, were too painful. Heck it is even now, two years later, painful. Nobody wants to be unloved. But back to the story. I realised that there were no sweet little sweethearts for me. So I started looking at guys in a different light, either they were friends or it was more an ‘I wonder how he is in bed’. Sometimes I didn’t bother with the or. Maybe a little note on laws in Norway is worthwhile here, once you turn 16 you are counted legal in the way that you can have as much fun in bed as you want (Drinking, smoking, driving and voting still have to wait until you’re 18), you should have seen my dad’s eyes first time I told him: “Dad, I am over 16, you could have been a grandfather by now.”

I wish I had an Angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I am love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had you angel tonight

It is also worth noting that I still didn’t get any. And I still fell in love on a regular basis. But I didn’t bother even hoping; it was just a waste of energy. The times I was in love was the worst parts of those two years. Not only did I have a very busy schedule (at this time I was part of one of Norway’s best pony-trotting teams, and trained my horse 3-5 times a week + a race each weekend), final exams, doing extra maths (I did the year above mine’s math level) and four languages, I felt unwanted and unloved. Imagine what that does to one’s heart. I became more and more cynical about love. “Fine that you are in love, but did you know that every second marriage fails?”

I am going down so frail ‘n’ cruel
Drunken disguise changes all the rules

Then, in September 04, I fell in love big time. I have only been so deeply in love once or twice before. And it ended with me finally asking the guy, I hadn’t had the courage for that in years. Now, if you would like to keep a romantic view on love, I suggest you skip the next bit. Had my life been a Hollywood movie he would have said yes (it would also have had a bunch of nice looking bad guys, stupid cops, cool guns and a nice car chase.) but this is the real world after all. Another NO. Actually it was a “If I would get together with someone here, it wouldn’t be you.” But don’t misunderstand me, I am not mad at him, I asked and he gave me an honest answer. But still, thank god for Sasha to come and pick up the pieces of me and let me have a shoulder to cry on.

Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder

After this I had some minor cruses. But for some reason after Christmas I didn’t fall for anybody. There was once I thought I was in love but that was just I playing tricks on myself. So maybe I finally have taken my own advice and stop getting hurt all the time.

I wish I had an Angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I am love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had you angel tonight

It may be that over that vacation I saw real beauty. Nothing I have seen before and after can compare to it. It was full moon and I dressed up in a good woollen cloak and went outside, it was snow to about my knees, but the night was nice and you could see the stars. I went to this little hill behind my house and just took in the view. The moon was in back, shining over the snow covered hills before. And I have never felt so at home before. At the same time I was listing to Once, not this song though, but Ghost love score, Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan (which I don’t understand, but it is beautiful non the less) and Higher than hope. It feels weird saying this, but this whole experience moved me, and I remember thinking: ”Well, maybe nobody loves or wants me, but I don’t care. This is something nobody can take from me. This feeling of feeling that I belong in something so beyond beautiful”

Greatest Thrill
Not to kill
But to have the prize of the night
Hypocrite
Wannabe friend
13th Disciple who betrayed me for nothing

It might also be just crap, that I am refusing to acknowledge my feelings. Maybe I am denying being in love and don’t even know it myself. I don’t know

Last Dance, First Kiss
Your touch, my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts

Now at the end of this I want to say that I did not write this to make you feel sorry for me. Please don’t. I wrote this to get it out of my system and down on paper (or rather into ones and zeros, but anyway) and hopefully provide an explanation why I am so cynical about love and why I don’t watch romantic movies, they cause me to hope again.

I wish I had an Angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I am love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had you angel tonight

But I do wish I had an angel, if just for one little moment of love. I want as much as anybody to be loved. If just once, I wish to feel what it is to feel wanted? Maybe that is too much to ask for?