No, not really.. I have my two front teeth. I just discovered yesterday my greatest fear and my greatest wish. They are closely related. Basically my greatest fear is that my greatest wish will not be fullfilled. But it is not really as simple as that, at the same time they are diffrent. Let us start with the fear, that is the easy one. It is easier to know what you fear than what you want. It might sound like a cliché, and maybe it is one, but my greatest fear is to be unloved, unwanted, to be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I can't see the end to being alone, I can't picture anyone ever wanting me. I fear that I'll never have anyone making me believe the lies I so want to believe, that I am pretty, that there is someone out there for me (oh god the clichés just keep comming.). The fear is eating me up inside, turning my heart to blue cold ice, because I am so afraid of loving, so afraid of another no. Yet I want to love, I think. I know I want to feel loved. A diffent kind of loved, not freindship loved, not family loved, but loved as in desired.
My greatest wish is to go to sleep next to someone, knowing that that person will be there when I wake, that they have been there while I slept, that they have been watching over me. Keeping whatever evil that might or might not exist away. This someone does not have to be that spesial someone, not right now, right now anyone will do. I'll give everything for that, exept for Lolo, my toy pinguin. He has been the one sleeping next to me/sitting in the end of the bed for the last 18 years, but now I need someone of flesh and blood, someone breathing. Some acctual person, not a character living in my head.
This might not have been detailed enough, but I am tired and I have art first thing tomorrow morning. Next time I'll talk about Bunny.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Well, they all say that it happens to most of us evetually. Even to all of us, if we just let it. But that doesn't make it any easier. It's always so easy to let it go and have faith when your heart and self-esteem haven't been walked over like a doormat time after time. When it takes the form of a repeating pattern, you start to believe it is just that - a pattern. And it is always easy to say to others "have faith, be patient, the right one will come along etc." It's more work to convince yourself of this. Thus, I can't nor do I want to sing the same song to you. I shall just say that the best person to love you lives in you. Now I am becoming a cliché-o-matic but I believe that no love will come to you if you are incapable of loving yourself. It's by no means easy but it is possible. Love yourself and believe, truely believe that you are worthy of all the love one person can possibly receive. When you can do that, you're further than half-way.
And I for sure believe you are worth it.
Thanks Emmi, That was kinda what I ahve been trying to formulate as a reply to Thomas, but hadn't been able to, thanks. I am trying to love myself, sometimes it works and I am really happy for a short amount of time, but sometimes I fall into that old patteren of hate and dislike. But I am trying, very hard, and I guess I just have to keep on trying.
And Thomas, I dare you to get me a real penguin.
Post a Comment