Sometimes.

This is a follow up on a converstaion I had with Cheryl a couple of days ago and again today with Ingrid. My thoughts on a subject that might be overdone in this blog, so don't read it if you think I am nagging.

Sometimes I wonder who I am and where I am going. Those are the times I feel strong and invincible. I might not know who I am, but I am finding out. I might not know where I am going, but as they say, you can't discover new horizons without leaving old shores. Smith might not be the best path, an engineering program that have only been in place for 7 years might be a bit risky, but where is the fun in the well travelled roads?
Other times I wonder if my failing love life comes from the way I look/act, or the other way round. And this leads to the questions: is there anything I can do about it, is it worth changing, is it worth hoping? I know I have said I will never change the way I am for anybody's love, that if they can't accept me the way I am they're not worth it. But sometimes, when I feel weak and alone, and just need someone to hold me, the price of being who I am seems to high. In those moments I feel I can not keep paying that price, I can't see the good comming out of paying it. I know I keep telling every one, including myself, that the reason I go to the gym is that I want to be in shape to go climbing, to fence, to be able to wear full armour for a larp, that I am happy with the way I look. I lied to us all, I am not. I keep telling myself that, maybe, if I only looked a bit diffrent, if I only were thinner, then maybe...
Other times I feel stupid for feeling that way. Thomas' words keep running through my head, don't worry you have loads of time(Thomas: do you even know much influence you have over me?). But why should things suddenly change, why should people veiw me diffrently in 10-20 years? I am afraid of being alone.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...
-Running up that hill by Within Tempation
(with some slight modifications)