Hard to Concentrate

"One to treasure the rest of your days here and
Give you pleasure in so many ways dear and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found... here we go

Do you want me to show up for duty and
Serve this woman and honor her beauty and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found... yourself"
-Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers

"Because I'm happy to be sad
I want it all I want it bad
Oh oh, it's what I know

A vintage year for pop I hear
The middle of the end is near
Let's go oh, it's what I know

Torture me and torture me
It's forcin' me so torture me, please
Torture me with sorcery (all night long)
It's forcin' me so torture me, please (all night long)"
-Torture Me by Red Hot Chili Peppers

" Knock to world
Right off its feet and straight onto its head
Oopala, we're lonely laughing after you are dead
Fascinated by the look of you and what was said
Make a play for all the brightest minds in life will share"
-She's only 18 by Red Hot Chili Peppers



The above lyrics are part of a conversation I had with Kayleigh yesterday, where we among other things talked about how some lyrics seem to always describe how you feel, or how you feel you should feel. Yeah, I am dealing with old demons again, half hearted attempt at learning to love myself. Maybe this time, it might just work. Got a slightly different strategy, courtesy of Kay. Instead of dropping the mask, become the mask. Make the mask no longer a mask, make it me. Confident, self assured, flirting, strong, kick ass, and truly believing I deserve to get what I want. A fair number of people seem to believe that is what I am. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad to prove them right for once. After all the only person I have to trick into believing it would be me. And that should be do able. Maybe I should actually become the leader some people already seem to think I am.... Hm, I can already sense guilt trips comming up for this, but I'll deal with them when I face them.
Went to get bombarded with x-rays today. Just a check up. Everything is fine and the doctor told me a bit about how I should train my arm again. I was back in time for work. Yeah, I spent almost 3 hours traveling to get two pictures of my elbow joint taken and had a 2 minute chat with a Doctor in training. I just love my days... (Maybe I should stop my Harry Potter obsession, I am getting the Malfoyian attitude, but thanks to the above paragraph I am not sure if that is good or bad). Anyway, my arms been painful, not out right wanting to rip it of bad, but just comstantly bugging me. And with two 8-9 year old on speed or something (at least that is what it feels like). No wonder I am in hiding. No honestly, because of the pain my patience is very thin, and right now, there are not that much I can take. Thankfully one of them leaves tomorrow. But so does my brother, I think, so that means I have to be social with the other one and her 13 year old sister. Damn...9 years old...Was I that innocent? Or are there stuff they are not telling? Or is it simply that I am special?
One thing is sure, I am scary as shit. I was dressed up all nice and black for my doctors trip. And with my interesting hair color, metal quite loud on my ipod, and a look of boredom and being pissed (again, the pain) I think that explains some of the nervous looks I got in the train waiting room. Including from the cute (as in looking lost as shit) army guy. Apperantly 17o cm of goth punk metalhead in pain is scary. Or that might have been the look of 'touch me and you are dead' I am sure I was wearing. And is it sad that being the scariest thing in a room full of army people, festival goers and junkies is the highlight of my day? I don't think so. I love freaking people. I am a social person, I like seing their faces as I surprise them, or scare them. Or maybe I am just in a bad 'hate the world' mood...