Blue...

I feel blue.. And I am blue...




Yeah... Well...

Actually, my skin is sorta blue right now. I tried to dye my hair blue, but it needs to be bleached, and that twice to get not become green. Ah well.
But also, some words just hurt a little, and I know she is sick and that it is best for both of us if she sleeps in her room but damn it, I treasure those few hours we have every week too much not to feel a sting of pain when she tells me she rather sleep in her room. I am a bad person, or at least I feel that way for making her feel bad. I am sorry my love. But in her arms is the closest I feel to whole and having found somewhere I belong. To having completed that quest I have been on since Flekke, since I first felt that stab of not knowing where home was. This might not be home, or at least, due to certain circumstances, I can't make it home, but it is closer. And I remember that this can't last. I don't know how long it will last. I would like it to last forever. But it can't. Even if we survive Smith, and then two years that most likely will be spent apart, there is the issue of after that. I am most likely not settling in the US, there is a long and complicated reason for this, too many ifs... And I am not asking her to move with me to Europe. She has her family and friends all here. How can I ask her to give that up. So, we got something like a little over 4 years left at the most. 4 years is a long time you might say. But I thought 2 years were a forever when I first came to Flekke and before I knew it I was sitting there, in my own graduation. I try to treasure every moment, every kiss, every hushed 'I love you' whispered at night. But somehow it is bitter sweet. It is like one of those candies, sugar coated on the out side, then you bite it and there is an explosion in your mouth. Every Sunday I wish it was Friday, but at the same time I don't, because I know we are one week closer to that set date. One week closer to being apart for months. One week closer to four years from now. Four years is only a little over 200 weeks. And for many of those there won't be the promise of a Friday night after game. I haven't told her this, mainly because we talked about not thinking to far ahead, but also because she doesn't need to know that this will have to come to an end sooner or later. The longer she can be happy the longer I am willing to carry this bitter sweetness alone. I feel torn, between my family and home I know so well and the home I have here and want to enjoy as much I can.

On a more light note, trunkroom loot is fun. My house was ahving our cleaning today and my loot from this dungeon crawl was nice. Some stuff for SSFFS library and then a couch for myself, a fan, some magezines, flat foam for LOST, and a graduation gown. Pretty good loot. Now it is time to read Breathmoss.