Monday, February 04, 2008
Please don't rub it in...
"I needed to pray or see a priest that day,
I needed to leave this trade and just heave it away,
But I cleaned up my place like you so I could see things straight.
I never cared about God when life was sailin' in the calm,
So I said I'd get my head down and I'd deal with the ache in my heart,
And for that if God exists I'd reckon he'd pay me regard"
-Never Went To Church by The Streets
Today was one of those days where I needed someone I could go and talk to. Someone's shoulder I could cry on. If only for a little while. But in stead, I cleaned my room. Kinda funny right? Here I am, giving people a shoulder when ever they need it. Even if they are not close friends, even if I don't really care or like them. I'll be there, being that shoulder to cry on. But when I need it I am too afraid to ask. Or I think they are too busy to listen to my problems. Which, I guess is why I keep a blog. Then I feel that I have someone to talk to, and who ever cares can read it when it fits them.
Today I got kicked out of the second class in a row this semester. Fine I get it. I suck. You don't want me in your class. Fine. But then tell me so. Don't tell me it is going to be ok, then a week later tell me it is not. Second in a row. Second time I feel like a waste of space and air. If you don't want me in your class then fucking tell me so. Don't let me get my hopes up, get exited about the class, buy the freeking expensive books, read up on the project we are doing, and promising myself and everyone I would indeed prepare myself for the parts of the class that relies on the class I failed, if you are only going to tell me I shouldn't take it. When they told me engineering was too hard for me, that I had fucked up too much to do it I took their hint and gave up, switched major. Now they want to throw me out of one of the few engineering classes that sound really interesting. One that during the first week of classes gave me a few good ideas to what I can do with my major. Fine, I am a fuck up, I probably don't deserve the time or the money this place or my country is pouring into me, but please don't rub it in.
And that was after I had spent 45 minutes on a proof for a class only to discover that it was the wrong one. Great.
And now I am going to go put on my happy mask and try to hide how I feel from people, so they can go on with their happy day.
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1 comment:
How can they just kick you out? Are they telling you to stop attending? Are they telling you you aren't allowed to take the final exam on it? How does it function? Is there no way to refute the decisions? I mean... You kick ass, you don't suck at all! I mean, unless we're talking about sex. But why would we be talking about sex? And I don't even know if you like sucking during sex... I think I got derailed...
My point is, you rock, you are so fucking awesome. If they can't see it, that's their problem. Trust me, I know what it's like to be told you're a failure and that you won't make it through your exams. I know what it feels like to be disrespected by your teachers and looked down upon.
You know what? You're stronger than me, and you're smarter. I pulled through the IB with about 2 points more in each subject than I had been predicted.
Teachers don't know best, and just because they're doing this to you doesn't mean that they are right. If they have the right over there in the states... well, that's the system's problem. But they're still not right about you.
You remind me that I am not alone, you are always there when I (or anyone) needs you, you are clever, fun, beautiful and you know how to headshot with the basic pistol in CS. You don't camp, don't swear as much as me and you don't get mad like I do when things get all fucked up. I think I would have already had loud arguments with my teachers by now, undoubtedly filled with angry tears and horrible feelings of injustice.
You just have to realize that you don't suck. You are not a failure. You do deserve to be there and you would do well if they would just leave you alone.
If you want to attend the courses, how are they to stop you? I doubt they'd literally kick you out...
I mean, it's the states, isn't knowledge supposed to be for everyone? Liberty and all that shit?
You shouldn't just give up. You're far too strong to do that.
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