Someday I'm hoping to close my eyes and pretend
That this crumpled up paper can be perfect again
-FRGT/10 by Linkin Park
Why me? Why I am stupid enough to fuck up things that are working nicely? Why am I stupid enough to listen to what my heart tells me, and why do I want to believe it?
I have managed to fall in love with one of my bestfriends and I got one of our common friends to tell him, very much like a 14 year old I know, but I did not want to face him, after a certain Italian last year I am not sure I'll ever feel brave enough to do that. Well, like half an hour later he told me no, we were just friends in his eyes. Fair enough, I can live with that, it is going to hurt for a little while and then it is going to be fine. But, the last two days, since I told him, he has been completelyy ignoring me, not speaking to me at all,except for what you have to say so that you're not being rude. That is what hurts the worst. Have I screwed up a friendship that was working fine? Have I managed to loose another bestfriend? Why can't all go back to how it was a week ago? I rather miss him every time he is not there, than how it is now. With him looking weirdly at me every time I see him. Not droppingg by at all , when he used to do it all the time last week. What have I done?And why did I listen to them when they told me that I might have a chance. That he might feel the same way. That this would not fuck up our friendship, oh why did I listen? Why did I want to believe them? I guess I haven't learned. Yet the message gets hammered in at least once a year. Why can't my stupid heart learn this lesson soon, I don't want to hurt again. Never again was what I told myself after Tiziano. Never again is what I curse myself with now. Why am I such a fucking hypocrite? Why can't I practice what I believe? And last, is there something wrong with me? They can't all be wrong, can they?
3 comments:
Aijaijai.. Strikingly open this blog of yours. And you say you like to have walls around you and masks. :) Very brave text coming from a person who claims to hide her innermost self. Look, men are stupid and there's nothing we can do about it. It's their problem if they don't know what they're missing out on. :D
I know it sounds like the biggest load of bullshit ever, I really do but it's not. It's their loss, not yours. There is going to be someone(s) who will not fuck it up. Because you didn't fuck up anyhting here. He did. Experience talking. Believe me. And don't lose hope, there's no point to it. You will come to see why. But keep on writing because I love to read it. :)
Well, this is sort of me trying to be as real as posssible.. I don't know if I manage though. But thanks, the advise is now on a mental post-it (soon to be framed I guess) inside my brain...
It sounds like you need a long walk....
haavard
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