Slaying the dreamer

"Blame me, it's me
Coward, a good-for-nothing scapegoat
Dumb kid, living a dream
Romantic only on paper
Tell me why you took all that was mine!
Stay as you lay - don't lead me astray!

You bastards tainted my tool
Raped my words,
played me a fool
Gather your precious glitter and leave me be
The Great Ones are all dead
And I'm tired, too
I truly hate you all!"
- Slaying the Dreamer by Nightwish

This rant was something I started thinking about while chating to Emmi earlier today, we have quite a lot of similar expiriences. When I need someone to talk to about stuff like this rant, I generally turn to Emmi, because I know she will understand the way only people with similar expiriences can. Thank you, Emmi.

Ever since since I started interacting with people who were not family (kindergarten), I have been told I wasn't good enough in some way or another. It started with not being as good in sports and games, the curse of being a fat kid, and then it was that I did not live where all the other kids did so I only saw them at school. Lastly, I have always been diffrent, my parents are not from the area so by definition I am not eighter, I was the only non christan kid (was acctually in a diffrent religion class for the first 4 years of my schooling because of this). Later it was that I was not atraktive enough, again the curse of being fat, then a few years after that, I simply had accepted that I was diffrent, I wasn't like them, I wasn't good enough for them, unless they needed someone who was good at school, but I never won any kind poplarity contest. Now I did have some good freinds, they were like me in some aspects, they wanted a good grade at school (yeah, where I live we live by janteloven "Don't think you are better than us, you're not"). I started playing the part of the freak, I played well. And then after four years of this, I went to Flekke, you know the story from there (While I found people like me, freinds for life, I still wasn't good enough).
Now we are talking some 12 years of being told I wasn't good enough, I wasn't someone they would play with. I acctually had the person I thought was my bestfreind say she did not want to be seen with me when we switched school, I was 13. After that many years you start to believe them, how can they really be wrong. And after all the rest of the world is not proving them wrong, look at any girl/womans magazine or tv soap, only the thin and pretty ones are wanted, and if you are not thin nobody wants you. And then when there is someone who tells you you are beautiful and they want you, you have problems believing them. Because the only way to survive was to accept that you are unatraktive. "It really sucks because sometimes people get tired of the insecurity it brings and then it kind of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy..Because it's not that we're not good enough, it's just that when we argue against the way they feel about us, they get tired since it seems like we don't want their love or that we don't believe them." -Emmi (I think this was the perfect wording for what I wanted to say).
I wish I could go back in time and smack my self and say don't believe them, things will get better. But then again, people have said that to me, Thomas and Danna to name some, and I found it hard to believe them, I would probably find it equally hard to believe myself.
And to people who have to live with people who have the same issues as I do: "I am sorry, I truly am. The last thing I want is to be a difficult person to live with, but I can't help it, after this many years I acctually do believe what they said. I truly am ashamed of the way I look and I do think I am unattraktive... I am sorry for being stiff and weird, I am just afraid of doing something wrong and not being good enough for you."


And for people who read this and think, who the hell is this and think this is not the Tonje I know, ever heard about stage persona? The first thing I do every morning is putting on my mask.

And a small note on the song, aside from being an awesome Nightwish song. It is how I feel about them, they did kill a part of me, the part of me that loves me, and I hate them for that.