Hard to Concentrate

"One to treasure the rest of your days here and
Give you pleasure in so many ways dear and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found... here we go

Do you want me to show up for duty and
Serve this woman and honor her beauty and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found... yourself"
-Hard to Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers

"Because I'm happy to be sad
I want it all I want it bad
Oh oh, it's what I know

A vintage year for pop I hear
The middle of the end is near
Let's go oh, it's what I know

Torture me and torture me
It's forcin' me so torture me, please
Torture me with sorcery (all night long)
It's forcin' me so torture me, please (all night long)"
-Torture Me by Red Hot Chili Peppers

" Knock to world
Right off its feet and straight onto its head
Oopala, we're lonely laughing after you are dead
Fascinated by the look of you and what was said
Make a play for all the brightest minds in life will share"
-She's only 18 by Red Hot Chili Peppers



The above lyrics are part of a conversation I had with Kayleigh yesterday, where we among other things talked about how some lyrics seem to always describe how you feel, or how you feel you should feel. Yeah, I am dealing with old demons again, half hearted attempt at learning to love myself. Maybe this time, it might just work. Got a slightly different strategy, courtesy of Kay. Instead of dropping the mask, become the mask. Make the mask no longer a mask, make it me. Confident, self assured, flirting, strong, kick ass, and truly believing I deserve to get what I want. A fair number of people seem to believe that is what I am. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad to prove them right for once. After all the only person I have to trick into believing it would be me. And that should be do able. Maybe I should actually become the leader some people already seem to think I am.... Hm, I can already sense guilt trips comming up for this, but I'll deal with them when I face them.
Went to get bombarded with x-rays today. Just a check up. Everything is fine and the doctor told me a bit about how I should train my arm again. I was back in time for work. Yeah, I spent almost 3 hours traveling to get two pictures of my elbow joint taken and had a 2 minute chat with a Doctor in training. I just love my days... (Maybe I should stop my Harry Potter obsession, I am getting the Malfoyian attitude, but thanks to the above paragraph I am not sure if that is good or bad). Anyway, my arms been painful, not out right wanting to rip it of bad, but just comstantly bugging me. And with two 8-9 year old on speed or something (at least that is what it feels like). No wonder I am in hiding. No honestly, because of the pain my patience is very thin, and right now, there are not that much I can take. Thankfully one of them leaves tomorrow. But so does my brother, I think, so that means I have to be social with the other one and her 13 year old sister. Damn...9 years old...Was I that innocent? Or are there stuff they are not telling? Or is it simply that I am special?
One thing is sure, I am scary as shit. I was dressed up all nice and black for my doctors trip. And with my interesting hair color, metal quite loud on my ipod, and a look of boredom and being pissed (again, the pain) I think that explains some of the nervous looks I got in the train waiting room. Including from the cute (as in looking lost as shit) army guy. Apperantly 17o cm of goth punk metalhead in pain is scary. Or that might have been the look of 'touch me and you are dead' I am sure I was wearing. And is it sad that being the scariest thing in a room full of army people, festival goers and junkies is the highlight of my day? I don't think so. I love freaking people. I am a social person, I like seing their faces as I surprise them, or scare them. Or maybe I am just in a bad 'hate the world' mood...

Finally

Finally. Finally my arm is my own again. At least more or less. I haven't been wearing the bandage and cast since I came home from work. I have been good and taking it off every now and again the last few days. I was planning to keep it off for most of the day, including work, but then right before work a cold hand gripped my gut and I put it back on. There is a strange comfort in the cast. I am afraid of the joint popping back out, I know it won't happen, but the pain last Saturday was enough to make me not want to risk anything. My mucles ache, they've become infected I think. Like the doctor predicted. It will take a long while before my arm is fully my own again. But I'm going to keep pushing it. Right now, there is at least 3 cramps in my arm and two in my hand. But I keep using it because I can't let the fear of pain take over my life. I won't push my arm into those angles where my mucles stop listing to me from the pain or put any weight on it, and I'll wear the cast when I sleep tonight, but right now my arm is mine, no matter the pain.
I had a long talk with Nat today, he's one of the people I really miss. I miss his cool, calm reasoning. It helped talking to him about some issues, he didn't really say anything, I just needed to talk to him. The way he asks his questions, I really have to go digging deep inside for the true answer, not just the one I have rehearsed by now. He makes me realize things. Like that I won't become a cold heartless bitch, I don't have the natural indifference required. So it looks like I am due for more lovely love life mess, yay...

I might have a big surprise for you all tomorrow. Hihi...

Not untill 6th of July

I have an appointment to go in for a check up of my arm on the 6th of July, which means I am stuck in this cast for at least another week and a half. It has started itching. Thankfully it is only a half cast so I can find ways to scratch. I doscovered some rather nifty bruises right around my elbow, that's a great surprise, right?..
I am annoyed, I want to do poi, sew, bake, play guitar, go riding, type properly, play CS,do archery and all of these other things I can't do with my arm locked in a 90 degree angle. I have stopped wearing the support because it hurts my neck, I have a big red wound. In short this sucks major ass. I am never fucking breaking my arm...
In other news, I have Mein Teil suck on my brain. I had it stuck there for the rigging of the LARP, and since Johan speaks German fluently I couldn't really go around singing it. Damn I wanna kill the guy, he speaks 4 languages fluently, and is almost fluent in a 5th. He knows shit loads of random shit,handsew his own costumes, and knows how to sword fight. I think both Norwegian and "auf der grünen mark von Österreich" gives xp bonuses and he found a way of combining them. Those of you who say I sleep with the GM of the universe have not met this guy. And he is only two years older than me. Damn..