Broken

She told me I am beautiful.
I want to believe her, but I can't. It is not me being humble or modest, I just can't believe her. There is this little voice muttering "She is only saying it to be nice". Curse them. Curse them for making me doubt myself, for telling me I wasn't beautiful, curse them for telling me I am ugly and disgusting. Beauty comes from within it is said, I tried believeing that. I even menaged to trick myself into beleiveing that I am cute, pretty or even sexy, but beautiful, no. I have issues with the way I look, you all know this. And it is not only the parts I could do something with if I worked out more or took care of what I eat. To make me beautiful would require surgery, possibly a completely new body. I wish I hadn't been broken this way, I wish I hadn't believed them. People might not see this when they look at me, but I am truly broken. There are wounds that will never heal, scars that won't go away. Only my wounds and scars are on the inside, they can be hidden from everyone else, but I'll know they are there.

TIGERS!!!!

Yesterday I was in my 'local' (well, it is about 70-80 km from where I live) zoo. Haven't been there for years, and one of the new things they have got is tigers (Big cats are nor normal in Norway, these are the only ones in the contry). Anybody who know half of my love for tigers can guess how exited I was. And they were utter beautiful, so careless, so in charge.
But I was in the zoo with my moms ( and for the occation mine) job, my mom is a teacher and one of the classes she works with are people with certain 'problems' (There are only two of them, both are blind, one has cancer on his brain and the other one has a syndrom that makes her age very quikly (I do not remember it's name), she is 20 and apear to be 80) . And that day made me realise two things, how much we really need our sence of sight and how lucky I am to have mine perfectly fine. I am lucky enough to be the only one in my family without glasses, and I don't need them (yet, my genes point the other way though), but as long as I have some sence of sight I'll be happy. This is quite directly linked with the tigers: one of the reasons I like tigers so much is that they are so beautiful, the whole way they look. That is the way I feel about a lot of things, fullmoon, flowers, art, people, I appriciate beauty (why is another and longer story) and not being able to veiw beauty seems like hell to me. Some times I think I am more lucky than I know or deserve.